Sicilian1's Blog

Expert Opinion and Commentary

sicilian1: What’s so “RIGHT” about being the bigger man”

  Why are we always told to “Be the bigger man?” What is meant by that? What are we suppossed to get out of “Being the bigger man?” Are we not living breathing human beings with blood flowing through are viens with real thoughts, emotions and feelings that drive our actions and decisions? Do people think it is that easy to just shut off your conciousness and accept something that your heart and intellect will NOT allow you to accept ? To actually FORCE yourself to bend-over-backwards, go against your every natural instinct to just have something jamned down your throat without any concern being given to the relevance of what you feel.

    Ya, being the “Bigger man” makes everyone else happy, but what about you? How much more psychological damage have you done to yourself? How many more emotions are you gonna have to bottle up inside yourself? And in doing so how further will you’re interactions with others become tainted?

    I’m am not saying refusing to be the “Bigger man” is right. It may very well not be. It may not be the morally virtuous thing to do. If you believe in God, your decision to not be the “Bigger man” may not be looked upon unfavorably and may be held against you in judgement. You may face anger and rebuke from those around you who react in a knee-jerk fashion and themselves judge you harshly. And from their point-of-view there may be some relevance.

    I’m not excusing or defending the action of refusing to be the “Bigger man”. I’m just proposing that it is an available option and those choosing that option should in no way feel guilty for doing do. I’m also not proposing the seeking of vengence or carrying on a vendetta. I am in no way encouraging hurting or even hating anyone. And get ready because on the surface when you choose to not be the “Bigger man” you will immediately be accused of holding hate in your heart. The only thing I’m advocating is doing what is healthy for yourself. Doing what you need to do to allow yourself to surrvive mentally, spiritually, emotionally and whatever else it takes to get you to be able to live in your own head, look at yourself in the mirror and stop the voices from reverberating in your conscience.

     There is no way as a human being that you can be any use to yourself and the people around you unless you get your own house in order. You have to make things right with you before you can ever act in the world in a good way. You have to make yourself the best you can ever be before you can ever be a positive influence on those you come in contact with. And taking the crap others force on you is not going to accomplish that.

   Some may argue on how being the “Bigger man” is a higher level of humanity and it is that example that you should convey. But what if being the “Bigger man” is destroying you on the inside? What if doing that makes you ashamed of yourself to yourself? What if doing that racks your conscience with unrest? If all that is so, you are only going to be a more unhealthy person and all that animosity festering inside you is only going to rear it’s ugly head later on down the road.

    Being the “Bigger man” isn’t always the right thing to do. I myself feel it only exposes you as a sucker and opens you up to being walked all over again in the future. So if you suck it up and take whatever crap is being jammned down your throat what is the other party who is the benefit of you being the “Bigger man ” learning? Ya, I know that you’re suppossed to set the example then the other person is suppossed to be humbled by your compassion then that’s suppossed to make them in turn a more compassionate person who learns the errors of  their ways.

     Well, nothing ever works as it’s proposed on paper. The other party most times doesn’t even feel they’ve done anything wrong so your being the “Bigger man” act only has meaning for you not the other party.

     My remedy instead of being the “Bigger man” is to just shut the door, leave the past in the past and just live in the reality of the present. The argument will be to bury the past and start anew. YES, MY POINT EXACTLY!!! But since you feel that you’ve been the wronged party, since you feel as if you have wounds that can NEVER be healed, since you’ve contented yourself to live with those unhealable wounds, since you do NOT feel the need to justify your hurt feelings to the other party to hear their side, since you’re fine with NEVER building that broken bridge and finding common ground, since you do NOT feel that the bonds or connections you had with the other party needs to be repaired, maybe you do not feel there was really any strong bond in the first place or maybe one never really even existed at all and it’s just outside parties or the other party trying to begin building something on a foundation that never even existed at all, since you don’t feel like getting bogged down in a revision of history debate, since you do not feel like getting in a tit-for-tat discussion which is really an inarguable scenario anyway, what is so wrong with your decision to just “Not-Go-There”?

     That is what you’ve decided to be your closure. You have buried the past, completely comfortable in in never revisiting the issue(s) again. You have deicided that what is healthy for you is to embrace reality and to live in that reality. The truth of reality is to live in the present and work to change the things within your capabilities.

    Now I know I’m gonna get that knee-jerk response about working to change the relationship with the other party. You always get told that that would be a good place to start. But what if your completely fine with not working to change anything with that party. Maybe that’s what the other party wants or “concerned” parties involved want.

   Why are the parties that want YOU to “rebuild”  the relationships and be the “Bigger man” right but your desire to just shut the door on the whole issue is considered wrong?

   You must understand, I’m not advocating a denial of your feelings and grievances because that would in fact be unhealthy. But if you’ve given yourself the time to use your intellect to reflect on the whole issue in an objective and critical manner where you’ve answered the tough questions, accepted truths, bitter as they may have been to swallow, accepted your own role in the situation and have then come to a decision that you can live with and is healthy to your psyche and which allows you to contribute constructively to those around you and the world in general then what is so wrong even if it’s not what others want.

   Burying the past is just that, burying the past. But that doesn’t mean we all have to “Have-a-Coke-and-a-smile-and-live-in-perfect-harmony”. That kind of “Kumbaya” revisionist history is what is unhealthy!! That desire to create something that never existed is a waste of time and in the end it is that kind of unhealthiness that projects itself in a future destructive manner.

   Forcing a human being to deny the truth and just go along with what is gonna make everyone else happy when their are other non-desstructive options out their is NOT fair. The knee-jerk will consider my position selfish because I’m only thinking about my mental, emotional and spiritual well-being when if I’d only suck-it-up and eat some crow I’d relieve the other party and those “concerned” parties of the disappointment over my refusal to mend-fences and be the “Bigger man”. Well, I say to them, why doesn’t that make THEM selfish. They want what they want at the expense of my sanity. They do not care about how I truly feel, they’re only thinking about what will make them feel happy. They do not care to address my feelings, they just want me to adopt their whole be the “Bigger man” position and then everyone will be happy while I feel like my feelings have been disregarded.

    Don’t let them fool you by wrapping themselves in moral sanctitude as they throw out every cliche’ (Bigger-man, bury-the-hatchet, start-fresh, let-bygones-be-bygones, blah-blah-blah) that is devoid of intellectual and moral honesty. Those cliches’ do not mean anything, they’re just intellectual shortcuts to make you look like the moral heathen. Well, morality is a two-way street. It’s just insane to expect a person who feels grieved to make themselves vulnerable to more disrespect of their feelings!

    When you decide NOT to be the “Bigger man”, you also leave yourself wide-open to the moralists who LOVE to preach and throw God’s words around. They manipulate any Biblical verse they can get their hands on to throw it in your face. They get judgemental and tell you what it is God wants you to do. I don’t want to get into a theological debate because what the Bilble-thumpers never understand is that theological discussions can never be final. The word of God is very DEEP, the message has to be taken in it’s entire context NOT cherry-pick verses to fit the Bible-thumpers judgements. But what is even more insulting to me about the Bible-thumpers, (Especially when they do it to someone who has a knowledge about the Bible) is when they cast dispersions on you. They tell you what lies ahead for you from God if you do NOT do what they want you to do.

    They do not know what you’ve prayed to God for, what you’ve asked Him to have mercy on your soul for, what you’ve asked forgivness for, what you’ve prayed for deliverance from, they haven’t been their in your private times when you’ve spoken to God to tell Him how you’ve felt, what you were and were not capable of doing. I’m not one of these protestant Bible-thumpers who claim on a regular basis that God speaks to them or the Holy Spirit filled their souls and told them what to do. I’m not going to make that claim for a second. But all God-fearing men pray to God and say what they say. The things we do may be right, they may be wrong, the decisions we make may set us on a path towards hell. We are all humans endowed with inherrant faults  which is by no means an excuse for sinful actions. However as imperfect beings their are some things we can and can not force ourselves to do. The best thing we can do, no matter how good or bad we are is to ask  that God shows mercy on our souls.

   So the Bible-thunpers can take their judgements and save them for themselves. Unless they are perfect they have absolutely NO right passing judgement on anyone! Who do they think they are! I’m not against someone counseling me or even using the Bible to help me work through a problem. I in fact think that is very healthy. But you lose me for good when you start with your finger-pointing and rebuking like you’re one of the inspired prophets from the Hebrew Bible!! You have NO right. If you think I’m wrong try to be humble and show me but you’re NOT gonna get anywhere thumping your Bible and branding me destined for hell!!

   Back to shutting the door and living in reality. If you decide not to have someone in your life, what’s so wrong? If you can work through all the “JUNK” that you’re feeling then decide that you do not want to share your life with that person for reasons that are valid to you, what’s so wrong?

    Look, if you feel you have issues with that other person but you wish no ill-will towards them, you do not hate them, you do not constantly want to talk about your beef with them and carry on some kind of vendetta, you want them to prosper and have a good life and good things, you wish fulfillment to those mutaual parties that do continue to have a relationship with that person but you yourself choose not to have a relationship with that person, why are you the bad guy? Why can’t your decision be respected? You’re not hurting anybody. You are the one truly burying the past. Because to me burying the past means just that. Closing a chapter in your life and never going back there again. The healthy thing is new move on to a new chapter in your life.

    Because burying the past in the way the morally superior would have you do it really means forcing yourself to eat-crow and whoever can eat-crow the best is the “Bigger man”. But I’ll never understand how you can ask a human being to do that? Because to me when you bury the past that does not mean you erase your memory it just means you aren’t going to ever dwell on anything again. Burying the past in the moralists viewpoint is really asking you to erase what you feel. To look at this other person and just pretend like nothing ever happened, to engage them and be around them and act like everything is and always has been “Hunky-dory” and “Kumbaya”. Ya, lets all have another “Coke-and-a-smile-and-live-in-perfect-harmony”. DUH!!!

   C’mon, lets be reasonable. I feel that’s an insult to any intelligent human beings intelligence!!! Once again, My position of burying the past and living in the present once you’ve reconciled your decision in your mind without carrying on any vengence is healthy and NOT wrong morally.

    Now the whole “bigger man” thing may work for some people. Engaging, addressing grievances, re-hashing the same tired crap, finding-common ground, building bridges, etc., etc. may work great for some. They may be able to shut off their intellect, emotions , hurt feelings, put blinders on, revise history to paint a never-existing rosy picture and whatever other illusions helps them be the “Bigger man”. But for those who aren’t idiots and refuse to make up some fantasy and try to turn it into reality their are other options. And choosing the other option as long as it does NOT hurt anyone is NOT wrong.


June 8, 2009 - Posted by | blog, culture, Life, people, personal, philosohy, random, religion, thoughts


  1. I’d really like to read an “about” post or page on you so that I can get an idea of where you are coming from. You’ve got some interesting things here. Tell us all who you are.

    Comment by Sundjata | June 13, 2009 | Reply

    • I’m definitely gonna hit you back.
      I’m gonna tell you abt “about”.
      I’m gonna put something down a little later when I got some undivided time to devote to putting something together.
      I’ll hit you back to let you know it’s up.
      Thanks for the interest. I really do appreciate it.

      Comment by sicilian1 | June 13, 2009 | Reply

    • I updated my post in the “About” section of my blog. Check it out and feel free to throw me any questions

      Comment by sicilian1 | June 13, 2009 | Reply

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